Lions Head Sunrise

Hydration Pack

My backpack

Those of you who are brave enough to follow me on Instagram, you obviously have a great sense of humor, but you will also have seen my backpack on many of my pictures.

Insert: Check out my stupid Instagram feed here!

My backpack vs *Sue’s backpack

* Resembles what Sue uses her backpacks items for. Get to know Sue before reading further.

1. Water

The water can be used to quench thirst, clean unwanted cuts, help someone out who wasn’t smart enough to bring water or it can be used to throw at any unwanted dogs that are chasing you.

*It can also be used to clean up quickly if you meet a hot person out on the mountains.

2. Windbreaker *Not pictured

Even if it is a hot summers day on the mainland, I would still pack in my windbreaker. The weather in Cape Town changes quicker than Charlie Sheen says yes to more cocaine. Rather safe than sorry. a term that Charlie Sheen is clearly not familiar with.

*If you are like Sue and you wish to persue said hot person, windbreaker can be used as a ground sheet to avoid gravel burn or if you are shy, it can be used as a cover.

3. Head Lamp

This can be used to see better in the dark. It can also be used to throw at anything or anyone that is trying to attack you.

*If said hot person turns out to be loopy, head lamp can be used to send out distress signals. 

4. Tissues

The tissues are probably the most diverse of the lot. You could meet someone who has just had their heart broken and you need to offer them a tissue. Or, you may need to use the shrubs as a loo. Stranger things have happened. What if a fart is not just a fart?

*Tissues can also be used to wipe away your own tears when said hot person runs away with another hiker.

5. Knife

The knife is there for just in case you need it like the guy needed it in that movie 127 hours. It will probably be stolen along with all you other belongings within the first hour of you being stuck, but here’s to hoping that won’t happen.

*Knife is not to be used to hunt said hot person down.

6. Earbuds, Plasters & Savlon

The earbuds can be used to remove unwanted insects from ears. The plaster you offer to those people that don’t have blister resist socks, and the Savlon is for good luck.

*Earbuds, plasters & Savlon can be used to clean yourself after hooking up with said hot person who is also a fucking stranger. Don’t ever do this.

7. Pepper Spray

This is used to keep any unwanted objects away from you. Attacking dogs, flies, angry people, crazy people, colleagues, baddies, you name it, pepper spray keeps them away.

*Pepper spray can be used to protect yourself for when said hot stranger comes back to steal your belongings.

8. Snacks

There is always a need for snacks. The person or dog trying to attack you could only be doing so because he is hungry. Hungry makes people angry and anger makes people do stupid shit. Snacks solve everything.

*The snacks are because you are an emotional eater, and you are emotionally scarred after said hot stranger left you on the mountain.

9. KT Tape

KT tape fixes everything, supposedly. Broken finger? KT tape it. Broken heart? KT tape it. Hungry? KT tape your mouth shut.

*Your name is Sue? KT tape your legs closed.

10. Joby Tripod

The tripod is for shy awkward people that have no one else to hike with or to take photos for them.

*Play with this tripod, not said hot strangers.

11. A Pen

Always carry a pen with you. You never know who you will run into. You can run into someone famous and how will you get their autograph if you don’t have a pen, have you ever asked yourself that? Always carry a pen with you.

*A pen is what you will use to draw the identikit of said hot stranger who just stole all your belongings along with your dignity. 

*Hiking alone is not advised.

Let’s Conclude

  • All of the above explanations are bullshit
  • Don’t be like Sue
  • I am not brave enough to cut my arm off
  • The snacks will NEVER be offered to anyone else – You will have to fight me for them
  • All of the above are really important, expect the pen, I am not sure how the pen got in there.

Keep your fucking dog on a leash 

“Oh, but Mandy, he is friendly, he won’t attack you”.

Mandy: “He is either going to attack me or aggressively try smell my arse, both are just as bad”

Read more about the do’s and dont’s of hiking here.