Dare to Diet

When the Instagram filters fail, everyone starts looking for that new diet to give them that desired 6 pack.

6 Types of dieters

Don’t you just hate it when someone asks you: “Are you on diet”, oh yes, which diet do you follow”?

Just for a moment, imagine if you could respond with number 4? Just picture the look you will get! Also, they will never ask you again.

 

1. The “balls to the wall” dieter

Like Sue is trying to cut out all one night stands, you trying to cut out all food except for Ice.

Cutting all calories to lose weight fast, will not only help you lose the unwanted kilograms, but it will also help you lose vital bodily functions and your will to live.

Solution: Don’t do it

Insert: Not sure who Sue is? Go read this article now!

2. The Gullible dieter

Every fad diet out there, you have tried, because you believe any kak you hear. You are about as gullible as the girl who is wearing a promise ring. That shit doesn’t last, neither do the fad diets.

Imagine being on the cabbage diet for the rest of your life, thats like Sue having the same boyfriend for the rest of her life – It is simply not achievable, nor sustainable.

Solution: Long term sustainability, not short term quick fixes (Your name is not Sue)

3. The “Diet starts Monday” dieter

As Monday draws closer you start sweating like a nun about to do a pregnancy test. You convince yourself that it will work this time. You buy all the fresh food and chuck out all the bad stuff.

Monday through to Thursday = Awesome job, feel great.

Friday to Sunday = You are the weekend dieter (Do yourself a favor, and read about it here)

Solution: Don’t be a nun

4. The “Eat a bag of dicks” dieter

This is a special kind of diet, practiced mostly by those girls wearing the promise rings. This diet seems to work for them as they are all tiny. It is not confirmed as to why it works. (Probably from malnutrition)

Rumor has it that it could be 1 of 2 things: 1) Because their mouths are always way too full to eat or 2) because they are always too busy talking about their promise rings.

Solution: Use whey protein instead

5. The “Contraption Buyer” dieter

You have bought everything that has ever been advertised on TV as a weight loss device. The fat melting earnings, the full body lube, the vibrating waist belt, the Ab flex 6 pack machines and all is used while eating your chocolate and drinking your beer.

Solution: Don’t show your idiocy by buying any of these.

6. The “Eat Polony on purpose” diet

Polony has been a hot topic in South Africa of late due to the outbreak of the listeria virus.

Long story short, I have come down with the worst stomach bug ever, went to the pharmacy to get something and the lady said to me: ‘Shame, at least you will lose weight fast”.

My guess is that there are people out there who will go as far as wishing a stomach bug upon themselves just to lose weight.

Solution: Don’t be that person.

Don’t know what Polony is? Google it, now.

The way forward

Looking for the right diet plan, like being surrounded by idiots, can be a pain in the ass. What you should really do, is look to gain the knowledge on healthy eating, sustainability and the function food serves your body.

Unlike the nun in this story, respect the process.

Unlike Sue, find something you like and that works for you, and stick with it.

Don’t ever, ever eat a bag of dicks, unless you are at a bachelorettes party and they are candy dicks and your diet starts Monday.

 

6 Comments Add yours

  1. juliehcares says:

    I love your descriptions of each kind of dieter. I laughed all the way through!

  2. Ever considered standup comedy? You should! Good stuff!

    1. I have a day job that I think I am doing ok at 🙂 If this gig doesn’t work out for me though, I may just need to give comedy , or any other job a shot. hahah

  3. Ellustar says:

    Reblogged this on SEO.

  4. snyderfambam says:

    The descriptions are spot on!
    And dude. You are really good at making me mindlessly follow whatever step you want me to…

    Googling Palony? Yep that happened even without me thinking about it.
    #IFeelShame

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